Poop

So as a nurse, poop doesn't bother me much. I mean, patients poop on themselves and I clean it every night. I wipe butt pretty frequently and clean sheets. It isn't a big deal really. Part of the reason I don't cloth diaper is because of how much poop I clean at work (although it really is appealing to me).

But recently Cash, your poop has spiked a strange interest and sort of obsession in my life.

I started feeding you solids and people warned that it can constipate babies. Well you did great. I didn't see any changes in your poop. As I started adding more solids, you started pooping less, but I wasn't concerned yet.

Then one day I saw you struggling to poop for quite awhile. You only managed to get a little out. I become concerned. I wouldn't have called you constipated yet, but I surely wasn't trying to get to that point.

So to my mom friends I went. They armed me with advice and I went to the store. I picked up prunes, juice, and karo syrup.

When I got home we tried the least invasive first. I massaged your tummy and did the bicycle with your legs. I figured I would give it time before the karo syrup since I heard it can be pretty explosive (thanks for the heads up Kristen), if you know what I mean. For dinner you had prunes, which you didn't like. As I shoveled the prunes into your mouth I frantically told you "Cash you HAVE to poop! You are going to get an upset stomach, the poop will be hard, you won't be able to push it out! I will have to use a thermometer and try and help you get it out. You will tear your little butt and it will HURT! Keep eating these prunes they will help!"

My pep talk didn't work. You wouldn't eat anymore. I think you ate about half a jar.

I then tried a little juice. That too, was a no go, which I am not complaining too much about. Juice isn't good for you anyway.

You didn't poop. So the next morning I told grandma to put a little karo syrup in your bottle. Mean to have grandma do it? Maybe. But I was out of options! When I woke up, she told me you had pooped. TWICE. Yay!

From that poop on, I have been obsessed with your poop. You didn't act super constipated, but I have had problems with my bowels and I didn't want you to experience such horror. So I kept feeding you prunes to help keep things going. You would still only have little bit here and there but you didn't act uncomfortable.

Let me assure you, those "little bits" of poop you were having were enough to clear the room. I still can't understand how something so small can produce something SO FOUL.

My obsession stopped yesterday when you had three poops. And one big, peanut butter consistency, one today. As I am sitting on the couch minding my own business, I smell something that is probably equivalent to death. Okay, not really, but it was nasty. I look down at you and think...no way...as you look up at me and smile the biggest gummy smile. You then start to fuss. Well no wonder. If I had that stuff on my butt I would fuss too!

So my obsession with your poop has stopped. You will go and unless you are in pain, I am not going to worry.

I never thought I would miss the days of seedy, explosive, breast milk poop.

An emotional post

Well, I finally caught up to real time! So now we can get back to posting up to date again. I am not promising every week, but more frequently than the last several months!

Last night, the Giants swept the Tigers and won the World Series. It was so awesome and emotional. I was crying. Maybe I was crying because I only got 2 hours of sleep, but I was crying nonetheless! Then, out of pure exhaustion, you and I passed out on the floor of the man cave. Daddy, being the amazing man he is, cleaned the whole house while we slept, and then woke me up and carried you to bed. We really are lucky.

Pablo Sandoval joined the ranks of the elite by hitting 3 home runs in one of the games. I found this picture and found it pretty funny...

Today, you took two fantastic naps! The first one was without a fight. You slept for about an hour and a half. The second one, well I had to let you cry it out a little. But it is a good thing I did! You took another hour and a half nap! I think that's the key, letting you cry it out a little until you sleep. Then I can get you on some sort of schedule. Now you are content as can be laying on the floor playing.

While you were sleeping, I went upstairs to check on you (we still don't have your $200 monitor hooked up. It's on the to do list). As you slept soundly, I was brought to tears. Lately I have been struggling. I feel like a horrible mom. I feel like my life is spent working and sleeping. A friend of mine described it perfectly...i have been a zMOMbie. Working nights is hard enough, but working nights with a baby and not being able to sleep...well that's near impossible. Everyone keeps assuring me it will get better. I am still waiting for that day.

Work has been so hard lately. I have been questioning myself as a nurse. Feeling like I haven't been as great as I can be. Have I been doing enough? Of course my patients are safe, I don't make any mistakes...it's just a personal struggle I am having. Am I good enough? I had an incident at work that really hit me deep, where I felt like I didn't do the right thing. I know now I did, but in that moment I felt terrible. I went into the bathroom at work and cried. I cried when I got home. And the damage to my self esteem was done. So I have been struggling.

Then I question whether I am being a good mommy to you. I am always so tired. I let you create your own schedule but is that good enough? Am I feeding you enough? Should you be napping more regularly? Why do you have days where you are SO fussy. Am I being the BEST I can be for you? My honest answer? I am not sure. I need a routine, but how do you possibly achieve a good routine when I am constantly switching my schedule between night and day? How can I be a better mom to you?

And your daddy...well I have a short fuse with him. It isn't fair. But I struggle being a wife too. Am I good enough to your daddy? He does so much and a lot of times I make it seem like it isn't enough. It is. Babe, I love you. I am sorry I am constantly tired, sleeping at night when it's our time together, not being the best wife I can be. I am trying as hard as I can.

For the record, Garrett nor Cash nor anyone at work said anything to me. This is all from inside me.

And my migraines are coming back. My back is killing me. All this means my stress level is high. I need to get a sense of sanity back.

And yes, all of this went racing through my head as I watched you sleep. My sweet angel, sleeping so peacefully. I promise Cash, I always try 110% for you. Always.

But is my 110% good enough? So I spend enough time with. Do I love on you enough, cuddle with you enough, play with you enough. Thats the conflict inside of my right now. Is my 110% enough?

You are growing so fast. I can't take a single day for granted. Every day is a new day and I can't get the day before back. So I focus now on enjoying the moments, every little one.

Your daddy, he works so hard for us. I know you will love him unconditionally. I hope your daddy knows how much i love and appreciate him. I can't even begin to describe it...

You really are such a happy baby. You make us smile often. Your little laugh warms my heart. You bring joy to many people. People stop us in the store to talk to you! The other day we had lunch at Coco's and half the restaurant was oohing and ahhing over you! I mean, you are such a little ham so it doesn't surprise me one bit.

As you grow, you will learn that your mommy does not have a good voice. We will leave the serious singing to daddy (who has an amazing voice btw). But my bad voice doesn't keep me from singing to you. The other night I found myself singing you are my sunshine. You are Cash, truly my sunshine.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy, when skies are grey

You'll never know dear, how much I love you

So please don't take, my sunshine away.

I hope you never, for as long as you live, forget how much I love you. We don't know what the future hold, but regardless of what happens, I love you Cash. I love you more than my own life. Always and forever.

Okay. Enough of this sappy stuff. It's time to get serious. There is a big Niner game on tonight and you are ready!

I love you my little bean.

A Halloween Party

Our first party in our house! It was fun. We did pumpkin carving and ate. Unfortunately, our pumpkins have already molded and it isn't even halloween. I think daddy and I will be carving some new ones for Halloween night. The Giants game was on too, so we watched the end of that. We marveled at our creations and Halloween decorations out front. Mommy was really tired because she worked the night before. We got up early the next day for a breast cancer walk (and I forgot my camera. So I need to ask Josh for some pictures of that!)

Next year I plan a more put together party, more decorations and more fun!

Eating dinner and hanging out

Carving pumpkins!

From left to right: your pumpkin, daddy and ivan's pumpkin, Grandpa and uncle grant's pumpkin, mommy's pumpkin, and uncle brett, josh and ben's pumpkin.

I can't wait to take you trick-or-treating on your very first Halloween. 

Love you baby.

Our biggest accomplishment so far (besides you of course)

Well, we finally bought a house. When mommy was pregnant with you, daddy and I decided we should probably wait a little longer before buying. I was off work for a long time and then took some time off without pay, so we just didn't want to rush things. Our original goal was to have a house by Christmas of 2012. Well we changed that to summer 2013. But, as we have learned many times, God's plans are different than ours! We found the perfect house and put an offer in. They countered once and we accepted, thus starting the LONG process of house buying. We were supposed to be in the house by September 1st. Well one thing after the other lead to delays. God sure likes to remind me to stay patient. To be honest, your daddy was a bigger mess than me. I stayed pretty calm during the entire process. We prayed multiple times, making sure God was in the center of our decision and that it was His will for us to have the house. We asked him to close any doors that he didn't want us walking through.

On September 25th, we got the keys to our very first house. I was very excited but scared. This was a big move. My job had some crazy stuff going on and I didn't know what was going to happen. Your daddy was good about reminding me that we had been very prayerful and sought God's lead in all of it.

So it was out with the old....

And in with the new!

I did feel sadness about leaving our apartment. We have SO many memories there. That was the first place your daddy and I ever lived together. We had many parties, get togethers, and fun times there. We spent summer nights relaxing. I graduated from nursing school, studied and passed my boards and got my first nursing job while living in that house. And the best memory....we brought you home from the hospital to that house. (You thought I was going to say you were conceived there didn't you?! That too...) So it was sad to see it go, but lucky for me, I love to take pictures. So a lot of those memories have been caught on camera.

Our new house needs a lot of work. We knew that going into it. Lucky daddy is such a handy guy. We have done a lot of work since buying it, but it has a lot more to do. It's only a matter of time before it's finished. I can't wait to see all the memories made here. Watching you grow here. Bringing future siblings home here (hint hint daddy!). Many summer days spent in the front yard. Many summer nights BBQing in the back. And many family get together spent in the bonus room. I think you will love it as much as we do.

Here is the house before...

 And after

 Grass before

 And after a little water and fertilizer

 Living Room before....

And after (still missing our couches we bought for this room...NINE WEEKS AGO -_-)

 New lights outside

Kitchen before...

 And after

 Dining room before

And after

China Cabinet built by yours truly :)

New lighting in the dining room

 And one of the best parts of the house...the man cave before

And after. We recently bought a 65" TV for this room. Just have to add some decorations now...

My favorite part of the house...the big backyard! We need some landscaping, but it is going to be awesome for you to play in when you get older!

The days we moved it was scorching hot. I felt terrible for the guys moving. Luckily they were good sports and we providing dinner and beer after they were finished.

Our very first backyard event...a fire! Funny story about this fire...your Uncle ASSURED us the fire was out. Well at 3am, daddy smelt something burning. He looked out the window and the fire had started back up. He quickly ran outside, in his undies, and put it back out. Almost burnt down the house the very first night we stayed in it! Crazy guys.

There is still work to be done, but I am excited to see how it progresses. Exciting times for our family. Your daddy and I work hard for you son. We love you more than life.