Last night, the Giants swept the Tigers and won the World Series. It was so awesome and emotional. I was crying. Maybe I was crying because I only got 2 hours of sleep, but I was crying nonetheless! Then, out of pure exhaustion, you and I passed out on the floor of the man cave. Daddy, being the amazing man he is, cleaned the whole house while we slept, and then woke me up and carried you to bed. We really are lucky.
Pablo Sandoval joined the ranks of the elite by hitting 3 home runs in one of the games. I found this picture and found it pretty funny...
Today, you took two fantastic naps! The first one was without a fight. You slept for about an hour and a half. The second one, well I had to let you cry it out a little. But it is a good thing I did! You took another hour and a half nap! I think that's the key, letting you cry it out a little until you sleep. Then I can get you on some sort of schedule. Now you are content as can be laying on the floor playing.
While you were sleeping, I went upstairs to check on you (we still don't have your $200 monitor hooked up. It's on the to do list). As you slept soundly, I was brought to tears. Lately I have been struggling. I feel like a horrible mom. I feel like my life is spent working and sleeping. A friend of mine described it perfectly...i have been a zMOMbie. Working nights is hard enough, but working nights with a baby and not being able to sleep...well that's near impossible. Everyone keeps assuring me it will get better. I am still waiting for that day.
Work has been so hard lately. I have been questioning myself as a nurse. Feeling like I haven't been as great as I can be. Have I been doing enough? Of course my patients are safe, I don't make any mistakes...it's just a personal struggle I am having. Am I good enough? I had an incident at work that really hit me deep, where I felt like I didn't do the right thing. I know now I did, but in that moment I felt terrible. I went into the bathroom at work and cried. I cried when I got home. And the damage to my self esteem was done. So I have been struggling.
Then I question whether I am being a good mommy to you. I am always so tired. I let you create your own schedule but is that good enough? Am I feeding you enough? Should you be napping more regularly? Why do you have days where you are SO fussy. Am I being the BEST I can be for you? My honest answer? I am not sure. I need a routine, but how do you possibly achieve a good routine when I am constantly switching my schedule between night and day? How can I be a better mom to you?
And your daddy...well I have a short fuse with him. It isn't fair. But I struggle being a wife too. Am I good enough to your daddy? He does so much and a lot of times I make it seem like it isn't enough. It is. Babe, I love you. I am sorry I am constantly tired, sleeping at night when it's our time together, not being the best wife I can be. I am trying as hard as I can.
For the record, Garrett nor Cash nor anyone at work said anything to me. This is all from inside me.
And my migraines are coming back. My back is killing me. All this means my stress level is high. I need to get a sense of sanity back.
And yes, all of this went racing through my head as I watched you sleep. My sweet angel, sleeping so peacefully. I promise Cash, I always try 110% for you. Always.
But is my 110% good enough? So I spend enough time with. Do I love on you enough, cuddle with you enough, play with you enough. Thats the conflict inside of my right now. Is my 110% enough?
You are growing so fast. I can't take a single day for granted. Every day is a new day and I can't get the day before back. So I focus now on enjoying the moments, every little one.
Your daddy, he works so hard for us. I know you will love him unconditionally. I hope your daddy knows how much i love and appreciate him. I can't even begin to describe it...
You really are such a happy baby. You make us smile often. Your little laugh warms my heart. You bring joy to many people. People stop us in the store to talk to you! The other day we had lunch at Coco's and half the restaurant was oohing and ahhing over you! I mean, you are such a little ham so it doesn't surprise me one bit.
As you grow, you will learn that your mommy does not have a good voice. We will leave the serious singing to daddy (who has an amazing voice btw). But my bad voice doesn't keep me from singing to you. The other night I found myself singing you are my sunshine. You are Cash, truly my sunshine.
You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy, when skies are grey
You'll never know dear, how much I love you
So please don't take, my sunshine away.
I hope you never, for as long as you live, forget how much I love you. We don't know what the future hold, but regardless of what happens, I love you Cash. I love you more than my own life. Always and forever.
Okay. Enough of this sappy stuff. It's time to get serious. There is a big Niner game on tonight and you are ready!
I love you my little bean.
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